Never make someone a priority that makes you an option.: Just a little humor...

~ QUOTES ~

MOST OF US CAN READ THE WRITING ON THE WALL; WE JUST ASSUME IT IS ADDRESSED TO SOMEONE ELSE. ~ Ivern Ball
While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about. ~ Angela Schwindt
I LIKE MY MONEY RIGHT WHERE I CAN SEE IT ~ HANGING IN MY CLOSET. ~ From the television show "Sex & the City"
The willingness to accept responsibility for one's own life is the source from which self-respect sperings. ~ Joan Didion
BELIEVE IN YOURSELF AND ALL THAT YOU ARE. KNOW THAT THERE IS SOMETHING INSIDE YOU THAT IS GREATER THAN ANY OBSTACLE. ~ Christian D. Larson
Leap and the net will appear ~ Zen saying
YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WISH TO DO, HAVE ANYTHING YOU WISH TO HAVE, BE ANYTING YOU WISH TO BE.
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; Some blunders and absurdities have crept in. Forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered by your old nonsense. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

~ Underwear Dust ~

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife "perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!" His wife was not amused and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this?" He said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out. "April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" She replied ..."It's not talcum powder......It's Miracle Grow!"
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~ Questions That No One Can Answer ~

Can you cry under water?
Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face, it goes crazy? Yet when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head straight out the window.
Do penguins have knees?
Do people who spend $2.00 a piece on those bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards is NAIVE?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightening would be if it didn't zig-zag?
How can bubbles scrub if they don't have hands?
IF 4 OUT OF 5 PEOPLE SUFFER FROM DIARRHEA, DOES THAT MEAN THAT THE 5TH PERSON ENJOYS IT???
If a cow laughs real hard, does it squirt milk out of its nose?!?!!!
If a man with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, it is considered to be a hostage situation?
If a turtle looses it shell, is it nakes or homeless?
If ice can burn, why can't fire freeze?
IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES???
IF MARRIAGE IS AN INSTITUTION AND LOVE IS BLIND, WOULDN'T MARRIED COUPLES IN LOVE BELONG TO AN INSTITUTION FOR THE BLIND???
If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?
If olive oil is made from squeezing olives, then what is baby oil made from?
If Superman was so smart, why did he wears his underpants on the outside?
IF THERE ARE LEFT AND RIGHT SHOES, WHY AREN'T THERE LEFT AND RIGHT SOCKS???
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If you are sitting on the upstairs floor, are you sitting on the downstairs ceiling?
If you stay awake all night, do you still have morning breath?
IN THE SONG "ITSY BITSY TEENY WEENIE YELLOW POLKA DOT BIKINI", WHICH IS YELLOW, THE BIKINI OR THE POLKA DOTS???
SINCE DONALD DUCK DOESN'T WEAR PANTS, WHY DOES HE WRAP A TOWEL AROUND HIMSELF WHEN HE GETS OUT OF THE SHOWER????
WHAT DO SHEEP COUNT WHEN THEY CAN'T SLEEP?
WHAT IS A FREE GIFT? AREN'T ALL GIFTS FREE?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
WHAT WOULD YOU DO FOR A KLONDIKE BAR???
WHEN BALD PEOPLE GET THEIR DRIVERS LICENSE, WHAT COLOR DO THEY LIST FOR THEIR HAIR???
When cheese gets its pictures taken, what does it say?
When you eat a jaw breaker, why doesn't your jaw break?
Why are round pizzas served in square boxes???
Why can we say "the teacher taught" and we can't say "the preacher praught"?
Why can't you get a tan on the palm of your hands?
Why did Komikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why did they skip the E in the grading system?
Why do feet smell and noses run?
Why do people always serve deviled eggs at church gatherings?
Why do they have Braille at drive-up ATMs????
Why do they report power outages on television???
WHY DO THEY STERILIZE NEEDLES FOR LETHAL INJECTIONS???
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why does rain drop and snow falls?
Why does the Easter Bunny carry eggs...bunnies don't lay eggs!
Why is everything that goes by water is called "cargo" and everything that is by land is a "ship"ment?
Why is it a black light if it is purple?
Why is it called a classified ad if it's there to let us know what they are selling?
Why is it called break dancing when you aren't breaking anything?
Why is it that cartoon characters never change their clothes?
WHY IS IT THAT NO MATTER WHAT COLOR BUBBLE BATH YOU USE, THE BUBBLES ARE ALWAYS WHITE???
Why is it that you never hear father-in-law jokes?
Why is the televeision show called "Unsolved Mysteries" when 90% of the ones they show you have been solved?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounces onety one???
WHY ISN'T THERE MOUSE FLAVORED CAT FOOD?
You know the signs on store doors that say "No shoes, No shirt, No service"...well what about pants???
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IMPORTANT HEALTH ISSUE FOR WOMEN

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas. Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living...with Margaritas. Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include: Dizziness - Nausea - Vomiting, Incarceration - Erotic lustfulness - Loss of motor control - Loss of clothing - Loss of money - Headache - Dehydration - Dry mouth - And a desire to sing Karaoke.

WARNING: The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not. The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing. The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting
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~ AMEN SISTER ~

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be the Man of Your House." He stormed to his wife, who was in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I am finished eating, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so that I can relax. You will wash my back, towel me dry, and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and my hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."
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Old Timer Sex

A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly, they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, "this is truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is."

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
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The humor . . . it kills me!!!

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. “'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,” she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! “'You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?” “'No,” she replies . . . “You just happened to catch my eye.”
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~ A Florida Couple In Sex Therapy ~

A Florida couple, both well into their 70's, go into a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, “What can I do for you?” The man says, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, “There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.”

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50, and he says good bye.
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, “I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?” The man says, “We're not trying to find out anything. She's widowed and lives with a daughter so we can't go to her house. I'm widowed and live with my son and family so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.”
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Funny Ways to Call Someone Stupid or Strange!

Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, but I think you just gargled - You are all foam and no beer - Your skylight leaks a little - I think you've got to much yardage between the field goal posts - If brains were taxed, you'd get a refund - You aren't the sharpest knife in the drawer - You are definitely one sandwich short of a picnic - You are a few beers short of a six pack - You're one brick short of a load - You have verbal diarrhea and mental constipation - You are a few cards short of a deck - You are a few bees short of a hive - I don't think your rocket isn't working on all thrusters - You need to check the air pressure in your head - You're a few fries short of a Happy Meal - Your wheel is spinning but I think you're hampster is dead - Your elevator doesn't go to the top floor - That is such a pretty house but no one is home - Your cord doesn't quite reach the outlet does it? - If clue were shoes, you'd be barefoot.
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My Private Part Died

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong, "Yes, Nurse Tracy", said Mr. Wallace. "my private part died today, and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.

"The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas." ''But, Nurse Tracy I can't," replied Mr. Wallace. "I told you yesterday that my private part died." "Yes ," said Nurse Tracy, "you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

"Well," he replied, "Today is the viewing."
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Forrest Gump Goes To Heaven

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you...I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven." Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was." St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions...... First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers".

Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow." The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, " Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd,...." "Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one too! Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?" "Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy." "Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?". "Shucks, that was the easiest one of all", Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN." St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."
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Never make someone a priority that makes you an option.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Just a little humor...

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